I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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