Nicole vs. Life
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
