sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
