I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
