Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm just crazy horny about you
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
