you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
