Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm like, not good at living.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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