Redeem this text for a blowjob
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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