I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
