drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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