Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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