did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
