I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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