I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Randomize
