there's paper in my vomit.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
