conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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