I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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