The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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