I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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