I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
