My hand turned me down
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
