Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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