Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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