his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
