3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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