I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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