For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I will be naked everywhere
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
