the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
