and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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