Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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