I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
