so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize