I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
