DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
