Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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