She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
