When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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