Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize