Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
