i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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