Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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