When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
