I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Congratulations! We have a period
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