I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
