every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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