It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
