i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
