I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
