is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
