Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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