Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Please don't give away my fajitas
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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