you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
