____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
