if i can run in heels then i can drive
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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