dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
